Not Everyone Gets Closure, And That’s Okay
On complicated grief, trauma, and the real work of healing
We talk a lot about closure. Like it’s a destination. A box you check. A finish line you’re supposed to cross once the flowers wilt and the casseroles stop coming. But for many, closure never arrives. Not neatly. Not clearly. Sometimes not at all.
And that’s okay.
In my years as a funeral director, I’ve sat with people who never found the body. Who never got to say goodbye. Those who never got answers. I’ve seen the devastation of sudden deaths, suicides, overdoses, homicides, natural disasters, and accidents, the kinds of losses that don’t make sense, that leave behind silence, rage, guilt, and unrelenting questions. These aren’t the kinds of deaths you "heal from" in a linear way. These are the ones you learn to live with.
Grief gets complicated when trauma is involved. When the nervous system never had a chance to come down from the alert. When memory loops, or shame festers, or justice never came. There are families who bury loved ones without knowing what really happened. There are children who grow up missing someone they barely got to know, shaped forever by absence. Closure doesn’t cover that. Healing does, but healing looks different.
Healing isn’t a straight line. It’s messy. Nonlinear. Sometimes brutal. It’s crying when you thought you were fine. It’s forgiving yourself for not knowing what you didn’t know. It’s allowing joy to live beside sorrow. It’s letting time soften the edges without erasing the truth.
Sometimes healing means acknowledging that there will never be a neat resolution, and that we can still create meaning. Still build a life. Still honor the love, even in the presence of pain.
If you’re grieving and need support, please know that help is available:
The Dougy Center (grief support for children, teens, and families): www.dougy.org
What’s Your Grief (education + community): www.whatsyourgrief.com
National Alliance for Children's Grief: www.childrengrieve.org
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (call or text 988 any time)
You don’t have to do this alone.